


SB19 Brotherhood Multiverse

by r4m3nlvr



Series: brothers in spirit [6]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brotherhood, Brotherhood Dump, Family Angst, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, General, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, SB19 are best bros, Suicide Attempt, aged-down characters, attempts at comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25726561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr
Summary: Whether it’s in canon or a parallel universe, SB19 are good friends—brothers—who will always have each others’ backs through thick and thin!(or the SB19 brotherhood dump that nobody asked for)Chapter four: "paabot naman ng alak." or seken being angsty with the help of a little alcohol. (inspired by 'akala' by josue & pablo)
Relationships: OT5 - Relationship, SB19 as brothers, SB19 as family - Relationship, SB19 brotherhood - Relationship
Series: brothers in spirit [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800022
Comments: 33
Kudos: 24





	1. JoshXSB19: holding up the pillar

**Author's Note:**

> have a great day, reader.
> 
> chapter contains: brotherhood fluff and josh angst; unproofed + mediocre writing

# holding up the pillar

After all the crap he had been through, one would think that Josh Cullen Santos is immune to bad days. This is often true. In his nearly thirty years of existence, he could count with his ten fingers all the instances that good things happened to him. Really, he just scoffs when shit happens. He laughs in the face of adversity. He smiles through the tough times and flips his middle finger at misfortune saying, “Is that the best you got?”

But not now. Not today.

Josh blearily opens his eyes, letting them adjust to the swirls of colors that made no sense. At first, all Josh could see were grays and blues and purples. Colors that match exactly the way he felt: cold, lonely, distant, tired. He sighed, not able to find the strength to move.

He turned on his side, pulling the covers so he was blanketed by more heat. He wondered a little bit if he could just stay in bed all day. They had no schedules, after all, and he did not want to see anybody at the moment… He had not wanted to see _anyone_ for the past few days. Not even his members.

Maybe he was just tired. Of what? Of everything. The constant travels, the fast-paced lifestyle, the lack of sleep. The loud of the cheering, the silence in his head, the black hole in his chest that nothing seems to fill. The emptiness. The inexplicable riddle in his mind that he could not read nor decipher but kept haunting him in his dreamless sleep.

When did it start? He doesn’t remember. When Stell tried to ask him two days ago, his anger rose because the young man did not understand that it’s just ‘one of those days’. Stell, bless him, is good-natured; he always feels the need to fix things. But he has yet to grasp that some things aren’t necessarily broken… they’re just temporarily out of order.

Josh… was temporarily out of order; at least, momentarily. Today, faking it did not cut it. He only wanted to stop everything for a second and have a safe space for his angst. A lonely little bubble where he could grieve in peace.

The door creaked on its hinges, alerting him to a visitor. He felt suddenly suffocated by whoever was intruding in his room.

“Josh, you awake?”

It was Justin. Well, Josh couldn’t really kick him out. It was their shared room, after all.

Josh just hummed lowly in reply but didn’t say anything.

“Can I have lunch here?” he asked.

_Weird_ , thought Josh. Justin _never_ eats in the room. On any other day, Josh would have asked him why, but he didn’t really care at that moment. Josh just gave him another hum in reply. As long as Justin doesn’t get loud or ask him any questions, he was fine with that.

“Can I set up on the floor?”

Another hum.

“Alright.”

Justin walked out, the quiet squeaking of his indoor slippers getting further from Josh’s bed. It came back a little while later, accompanied by a faint clinking of glass and metal.

Something was set down on the floor—something slightly heavy, from the sound of it—and then Josh registered plastic being moved around and silverware screeching against each other. To Josh, it sounded like Justin brought a lot of things inside the room.

“Hey, Jah. I brought the pitcher and the vegetables,” said newcomer, Ken.

“Oh, great. Give them here!”

Josh felt just a little surprised. Why a pitcher? And vegetables?

“So, is the rice cooked yet?” Justin asked.

“Not yet. But Stell and Sejun are back.”

“Oh, great.”

A different set of footsteps, rhythmic but heavy, made its way inside the room. Josh knew this was Ken. Then there were more sounds of clinking and rustling. There was a clicking sound and a whooshing before Josh faintly smelled the scent of a flame.

Something was burning.

“What the heck?!”

Josh sat up and turned around. He was only slightly annoyed because of the noise, but he became confused when he saw that Justin had a portable burner right in the middle of their room. On top of it was a small covered pot. To the side, they had Sejun’s bedtable set up with a variety of vegetables on it. The younger SB19 members sat on the floor, as if sitting around a campfire.

Ken and Justin blinked at him.

“What the heck are you doing inside the room?”

“Cooking ramyun, of course!” Ken replied, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He even held up an unopened packet of non-spicy ramyun to Josh to emphasize.

“Yes, I can see that. But why are you doing it here?”

Before either of them could answer, two more sets of footsteps—a chipper one, followed by a more withdrawn and elegant one—came from the hallway. Both Stell and Sejun emerged from the corner and into their room a few seconds later.

“Here comes the barbeque!” Stell announced.

“And the Pepsi,” Sejun added.

The two came in carrying bags of groceries and barbeque with them.

Josh felt his jaw drop. “What the— _what’s going on_?”

“Oh, good. You’re awake,” Stell said, smiling at him. “You didn’t eat breakfast yet, did you? Come on, let’s have lunch!”

Josh did not know how to reply to that.

He didn’t need to. Because even without waiting for permission, the four intruders just made themselves comfortable around the burner and started chatting about random stuff. It both irritated and touched Josh. His lonely little bubble popped, a warmth threatening to creep into the cold and lonely crevice in his chest.

Josh watched as his members started to set up plates and glasses as they were cramped together in the middle of the floor. The water in Justin’s pot started to boil, and Stell took over cooking the packs of ramyun. At the same time, Sejun went out and back into the room carrying the rice cooker that was filled to the brim with fluffy white rice.

The members did not regard Josh, save for the occasional, ‘Can you hold this?’ or ‘Do you think more of this is okay?’. They didn’t ask him what was bothering him—and he wouldn’t answer them if they did—but they just sat there and involved him in light chitchat as they waited for the ramyun to finish.

When Stell decided that the noodles were sufficiently cooked and the vegetables crisp, Ken started passing plates around.

“Here you go, dre,” Ken said.

“Uh… thanks, dre.”

Justin scooped an impressive amount of noodles and soup in a bowl. Then, he passed it to Josh.

“This one is for you, Josh.”

“Uhm… thanks, Jah.”

“Hey, Josh, have some barbeque,” Stell said, reaching across the burner so Josh could take the sticks of skewered meat from his hands.

Josh took it, nodded, but did not make a reply.

“Give him some Pepsi love,” Sejun commented, chuckling. Ken nodded and poured softdrinks for Josh in a tall glass.

“Okay…?” Josh began. “What’s with all this?”

The members all looked at each other, not a single one daring to reply. They paused momentarily in their dining. For a few short seconds, they kept making glances from one member to another but no one made a sound.

Sejun was the one who broke the silence.

“Well, we know you haven’t been okay recently,” he started. “You don’t wanna talk about it. We get that. We respect it. But… that doesn’t mean we can’t stay with you while you get sentimental, right?”

Stell nodded. “You were there for us. So… even if you don’t talk, let us stay with you, at least.”

Justin shimmied on the floor so his back was touching Josh’s leg that went over the bed. Ken didn’t talk or move, but as he nibbled on his spoon, he was smiling fondly while Sejun and Stell talked.

Josh blinked. They were… trying to make him feel better… in their odd and messy but endearing own way. Josh felt a laugh bubbling in his chest. It started to grow stronger and stronger, filling in a part of the hole in his chest; maybe even covering it for but a moment so it wouldn’t suck the life out of him for the day.

“Are we _not_ going to eat yet, though?” Ken piped up after a little while.

Josh gave a tired smile. When he looked up, he noticed that everyone else was looking expectantly at him.

“Fine, you can stay,” he said. “Give me some more barbeque, though.”

The tension eased so visibly Josh thought his members might as well have cheered aloud. They resumed lunch like that. Josh didn’t talk about what was keeping his head under water, none of the members forced him to it. They just conversed, sometimes not even to Josh, but acted like they normally would on any given day. Only then, Josh was not okay… and his members were fine with that. They even stayed with him inspite of it.

Josh remained quiet through the remainder of lunch. This was not exactly how he imagined he would spend the rest of his day. If it were up to him, he would have stayed holed up in his room without eating or drinking. But this… staying like this with his members, not even talking about the elephant in the room, Josh thought it was okay, too.

Josh’s lonely little bubble of angst came back a little while later. It was still huge and heavy, making him unable to fake anything. But it wasn’t as cold and dark and lonely anymore. Looking around at his members, he could see why.

Because here, he could be sad. He could be mad. He could be his worst self and still have people who will look out for him and cook him ramyun.

If there were any place where it was safe to have a bad day, Josh thought, it was here.


	2. KenXSB19: garuda's leap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they thought ken was okay. he was not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no explanations.
> 
> HEED THE WARNINGS, I BEG OF YOU:  
> —does not depict any SB19 member in any realistic manner   
> —is not meant to be taken as truth  
> —contains an unsuccessful suicide attempt  
> —the events in this chapter may be dark and heavy; please mind the trigger warnings below
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: may contain triggers for suicidal thoughts; depressive thoughts; angst; drama; unproofed + mediocre writing

# garuda’s leap

Sleep.

This used to be the only escape Ken has had in years. Being an idol had been fun, he must admit; the glitz, the glamour, fame, and fanfare. The fans cheering their name. The buzz that ignites a flame in his veins whenever he performs. The bright lights that he wants to reach out to and touch—tear down and scream into the abyss it hides behind its deceitful façade.

Ken breathed, feeling the chilling wind beat against the thin fabric of his shirt. He wondered what it would be like to sleep forever.

Yes, sleep used to be his only escape. Now, he was not so sure.

Now, in his sleep and in his dreams, he was still a prisoner. The only place which used to be his hiding place in the harsh world turned into a nightmare of screams and frightful images that did not make any sense. In his sleep, he would drown. He would suffocate. In his dreams—yes, even in his dreams—he is reminded that he no longer has a place to call his own… no longer had an ‘own’ to call ‘I’.

Sure, he had chosen it. They _all_ chose it. Chose the spotlight, chose the dream, chose the Fastlane to fame. Ken did everything he could: lose weight, gain weight, bulk up, tone down, wear makeup, go barefaced, get this surgery, it’s too much surgery, eat too little, eat up, be preppy, be sultry. He did everything to please the fans.

The fans, the fans, the fans.

He was doing well— _am I doing well_? He wanted them to be happy— _why are you still not happy_? He gave every little piece of himself away— _is it still not enough_?

‘Himself’ seemed like a stranger now. Ken no longer knew who ‘Ken’ was. Four, five years ago, he would probably still have. He was young and eager, then. Eager to please… _everyone_. Now, he was not so sure. The person he faced in the mirror every morning felt like someone else— _who are you_?—and that person kept changing… until Ken could no longer recognize him.

Ken chuckled. It was followed by a yawn. God dang, he was sleepy. He wanted to sleep. For a _very_ long time. Perhaps he should. Looking down from the precipice of their fifteen-floor company building, he thought he would surely sleep once he jumped.

Once he jumped, it would all be over. He would be peaceful— _I’m sorry_.

Ken looked at his phone. It had been buzzing in and screaming for God knows how long in his pocket. He took it out. Stared at it. Justin was calling him.

He smiled apologetically at his phone. He had already left his members messages. He hoped they would understand that they could never understand what he was going through. They were… strong. Stronger than Ken was. They didn’t need him… did not need him for a very long time now. He was just a burden; always has been. And now, he is finally freeing them from one of the heavier loads they shared as a group— _I’m sorry if this is being selfish_.

Ken held out his phone in front of him. It was still buzzing and ringing in his hand.

“Betcha I’ll hit ground faster.”

He let go of his phone, letting gravity pull it to the concrete fifteen floors below.

And Ken leapt.

“ _Ken_!”

Someone grabbed the back of Ken’s shirt, the grip was strong enough to claw his back. As Ken was floating, feeling as if the whole world moved in slow-motion, he turned his head to catch a glimpse of black hair before a quick blur pulled him harshly backward.

_No_!

Ken fell back, there was a muted thud. And then he found himself staring at the lonely night sky. The stars twinkled in the distance, bright like the lights that have been blinding him for years. Ken was still not asleep— _I want to sleep_ … but for some reason, he felt a strange sense of relief wash over him.

There was a sob, and Ken had the sense to sit up from his position on the ground. Looking down, he found Justin on his back underneath him, crying.

“Jah?” Ken said weakly. He got off the younger’s prone form and helped him to sit up. But Justin was still crying while staring at him with horror in his eyes.

Justin continued to look at Ken. His handsome features crumpled into a look of anguish before he pulled Ken into his arms, laying the Garuda’s head on his shaking shoulders, and hugged him.

Warmth. Warmth like a blanket on a cold and lonely night. Warmth enveloped Ken’s body. It was so sudden that he did not even notice that he had been shaking. The moment his forehead hit Justin’s bony shoulder, Ken could not help his tears. He cried, too.

“Ken… Ken, we’re sorry,” cried Justin. He cried it over and over and over against Ken’s ear as he hugged him, refusing to let go.

_Don’t cry_ , Ken thought in his head. But his voice did not come out. _It’s not your fault_.

“Ken, sorry… Sorry, we didn’t know…”

Ken wanted to talk, but his voice kept breaking at each attempt. So he just wrapped his arms around Justin’s back and clung to him like a lifeline. Justin smelled like flowers, and Ken wanted to drown himself in his brother’s comforting scent while conflicting feelings of guilt, shame, self-hatred, gratefulness, relief, and hysteria threatened to tear him apart.

“We’re sorry, Ken…”

_Not your fault_ , he wanted to say. It was the first of the many things he wanted to say to Justin and the rest of them.

But before Ken could open his dry lips, several angry footsteps were coming up the stairs to the rooftop.

“Justin!”

“Jah!”

“Ken!”

Three people. Three voices. Strong, firm, loving, and concerned. Ken hid his face and made himself even smaller so the voices don’t see him in his pitiful state.

“I’m sorry…” he finally managed to utter.

Justin hugged him tighter, cradling his head in his hands.

“ _Thank God_!” said Stell’s voice. The Heavenly Voice sounded like it was close to breaking as well. And then, Ken heard Stell step closer and wrap his arms around them. “Ken, we were so _worried_!”

Stell joined Justin and Ken in crying. Ken didn’t know why, but he just felt shame as he could feel Josh and Sejun’s stares at his hunched form.

“I’m sorry…” Ken whispered again, but only just. He was shaking, and Justin was rubbing his back with soothing circles.

“What are you saying, Ken?” Stell admonished, but the voice he used was pleading. “You don’t need to be sorry for anything…!”

Ken felt Justin nod. “ _We_ should be sorry. We didn’t see… Ken, we didn’t know.”

“Sorry, we didn’t know the burden you’ve been carrying.”

Ken hid himself again, still not able to form the right words to say. But his mind was speaking so many thoughts in so many languages that his mouth could only utter out a cry.

There was a small but firm hand that caressed the top of Ken’s head. And then, he heard Josh say, “Hey… You don’t need to talk if you don’t feel like it, okay? You guys, stop making him talk, too.”

“S-Sorry,” Stell said.

“Good thing Justin found him just in time.” It was Sejun. “Good save, Jah.”

“He almost—” Justin did not finish speaking but tightened his hold around Ken’s trembling body. “Thank God, Ken. _Thank God_.”

Ken didn’t know how long he was like that for. Did not know how long he was being held by both Stell and Justin while Josh caressed his head, and Sejun stood close enough for Ken to feel his presenec. He did not know for how long he let himself be stared at in his most vulnerable state without the fear of being judged. All he knew was that a floodgate seemed to have opened inside him. Thoughts, feelings of guilt, helplessness, and self-hate poured out. Ken felt weak as he just lay there, letting himself be pat and pet and caressed.

Ken felt weak… but the arms holding him, the hands supporting him… they were strong. Strong enough to give him strength in the meantime.

“I’m sorry…” he could only say again. “I just—”

Ken looked up. He found himself staring at the bright brown eyes that were Josh’s.

“Hey, pal…” Josh said, cutting him off. “You don’t need to say anything if you don’t feel like it now.” Josh wiped his tears with the sleeve of his blazer. “You’ve been fighting a while, huh?”

When Josh said it—Josh, who himself had been fighting day in and day out for more than half his life—Ken could not help but cry again. His hands felt for Josh’s shirt, and then he gripped it tight as if to say, ‘ _It’s been so hard_ … _It’s been so_ damn _hard_ …’

Ken felt Justin loosen his embrace. The warmth left him for a minute before it was back again. This time, Ken was being embraced by Josh, whom Ken had always thought was the epitome of resilience and strength. Unlike Justin’s cradling, Josh gave Ken hearty pats on the back as Ken buried his forehead into the eldest’s collarbone. Someone took Ken’s hand and started massaging it. It felt like the second eldest’s hands… Sejun’s fingers were calloused at the tips from years of playing the guitar.

“You fought well…” Josh began. His voice was soothing and filled with conviction. “It must have been a lot.”

Ken nodded. In the distance, he could hear Stell sniffling.

“I won’t press you to talk right now,” he could hear Josh say. And he seemed to be talking to the rest of the group, too. Sejun was still there, massaging Ken’s hand. “But we’ll just be here, okay?”

“… Okay.”

Sejun let go of Ken’s hand before caressing the back of his head.

“Ken… we’re family, okay?” he began. “Family looks out for each other. You don’t need to carry this burden by yourself.”

_I_ am _the burden_ , Ken heard his own demons say. He tightened his grip on Josh’s shirt.

Josh must have felt it, because the older man stopped patting him to just hold him tight.

“I know we can’t shut the whispers in your head, pal,” Josh said. “But you gotta believe us when we say that we’re here for you.”

Sejun’s hand shifted from Ken’s head to his shoulder. “We’ll face this together, alright? Whatever this is,” he said. “Didn’t we say we’d always do things together since the beginning?”

Ken absentmindedly nodded. As usual, there were lots of words he could not manage to say. The adrenaline he had when he jumped earlier wore off, leaving him with lifeless limbs and a heart that pumped blood but not really beating. Ken breathed and breathed again.

There was so much he wanted to tell them. Apologies, thanks, promises, curses, pleas that he could feel at just the tip of his tongue. He felt ashamed but grateful. He felt mad but joyous. He felt guilty but justified. And he did not feel deserving of the love that he was being lavished by.

When will this end? He wanted to ask them. But he could not. His arms were losing their strength. His eyelids started to feel heavy. And his sobs turned into deep breaths.

“Is he sleeping?” Stell said.

“He must be tired,” Justin commented. “I almost didn’t catch him… I—”

“You did well, Jah,” Sejun told him. “Good thing you figured out where he would be.”

“There were lots of clues in his note,” the youngest explained. “I just… didn’t think he’d actually jump.”

“It’ll be a hard road to recovery,” Josh said, patting Ken on the back like he was putting a baby to sleep. “He’ll need all the help he can get.”

“He’ll be okay, won’t he?” Stell asked.

Josh shrugged. “Only time will tell… But let’s not pressure him to ‘be okay’, alright?”

“Yeah,” Sejun agreed. He had his hand on Ken’s head again, and Ken felt a hundred times safer surrounded by the older brothers. “For now, let’s… let’s just let him sleep.”

With eyes still closed, Ken felt himself get lifted and cradled in one of the members’ arms. Was it Josh? Sejun? He couldn’t tell. All he knew was that he could feel his members’ worried hands on different parts of his body: caressing his head, gripping his hand, patting his knee, holding him.

That night, Ken’s demons were momentarily pushed aside. He knew they were just waiting for the right moment to pounce on him again. But as Ken continued to feel the hands that were holding him up, he felt like he had found solace somehow… somewhere… from someone.

And that night, unlike most nights he has had for the past few years, Ken slept. And what a restful sleep it was.

**A HELPFUL LINK TO A MEDITATIVE RELAXATION EXERCISE:[[link to a relaxation exercise]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pLUleLdwY4&feature=youtu.be)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you hear me?


	3. Kuya LineXStell+Bunso Line: it joshie and paupau birthday!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toddlers ken-ken and jahjah plan for their eldest brother’s birthday?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kuro_TENSHII gave me a prompt for a sejun birthday fic and i guess it turned into… this. ken-ken and jahjah are based off @/keuntrbl’s kinder esbi arts. they are so adorable, i can’t even.
> 
> chapter contains: kindergartener ken-ken and jahjah (about 4-5 years old ish); high schooler tey-tey; young adults paupau and joshie; mediocre + unproofed writing

# it joshie and paupau birthday!

Josh looked at the papers and notes in his hand and heaved a sigh. Their bills were piling up, Ken, Justin, and Stell’s matriculation fees were long overdue, and Sejun would be taking a school examination in a few weeks. This meant examination fees which he currently could not afford. He sighed again.

Even if they weren’t related by blood, they had a bond that went beyond consanguinity. They were not brothers, but they were a group. They were a tribe. They were there for each others’ ups and downs, even the little ones who barely reached Josh’s thighs.

But he was the eldest. He held himself responsible for them. He even gave up his own college education to work and give way to Sejun, who had more opportunities and a brighter future ahead of him.

It was just that days like these when he didn’t know what to do. Being the eldest didn’t always mean he figured everything out.

“Hey, can we talk?”

Josh turned on his chair. Sejun was loitering by the doorframe of the only room in their small studio apartment. He had a tentative look on his face, the kind that told Josh there was something serious going on.

“Sure, man. What’s up?” Josh asked him.

Sejun took a deep breath before walking to the dining table and sitting across him.

“I want to work parttime.”

When Ken-Ken opened his large brown eyes, it was dark. It was dark, but Ken-Ken was brave, and he was strong, so it didn’t scare him much. After all, he was a big brother to JahJah; big brothers shouldn’t be scared of the dark.

He looked around from where he lay on the floor. Beside him, JahJah was sleeping with Tey-Tey’s one arm covering him. His big brother was hugging JahJah from behind because JahJah gets cold in the night. Ken-Ken doesn’t get cold, though. He was a big boy.

“… for next month?”

“We’ll make it. I’ll ask for a cash advance.”

“But still… I really think I should work parttime so I can help with the bills.”

“No, Sej. I told you I wanted you to focus on your studies.”

“But Josh!”

Ken-Ken blinked his eyes and sat up. Joshie and Paupau weren’t sleeping next to him and he could hear them outside talking.

Ken-Ken doesn’t understand a lot of what they’re saying. Sometimes the really big boys and girls say so many long words that they make things hard for smaller big boys and girls to understand. And then, they get angry when they aren’t understood. Ken-Ken never really got why they were like that.

The young boy got out from under the covers and padded across the room he and his brothers shared. He peeked outside the door and found Joshie and Paupau sitting on their eating table. They both had sad looks on their faces.

“Joshie? Paupau?” he said.

Paupau turned to Ken-Ken first. He jumped a little bit once he saw him, but then he gave Ken-Ken a smile.

That smile was a lie, Ken-Ken knew. Paupau always had stars in his eyes whenever he smiled, but that time he did not.

“Hey, buddy,” Paupau said, sitting down and combing Ken-Ken’s hair like he always does when they go to sleep. “Why are you awake? Do you want some water?”

Ken-Ken shook his head. “Ken-Ken heard Joshie and Paupau fighting. Teacher said fighting bad.”

“We weren’t fighting, bud,” Joshie chuckled at him. “We were just… talking about things.”

“Big brother things?”

“Yeah, big brother things,” Joshie nodded at him.

“Uhm… Ken-Ken big brother, too?” the young boy asked.

“Of course, Ken,” Paupau answered. “You’re a big brother to JahJah, right?”

He nodded. “So, Ken-Ken help with big brother things?”

Paupau turned to look at Joshie before he smiled at Ken-Ken again. “Not with these big brother things yet, Ken-Ken.”

“Why?”

“Because… it’s about things we use money on.”

“Oh… Like birthdays?”

Paupau giggled. “Yes, like birthdays.”

“Oh… Ken-Ken like birthdays.”

“I’m sure you do, buddy,” Joshie told him. “Why don’t you go back to bed with Paupau? Then we can talk about birthdays tomorrow.”

“Oh—” Ken-Ken yawned a huge yawn. “—kay… Happy birthday, Joshie! Happy birthday, Paupau!”

Both his big brothers laughed.

“Happy birthday, Ken-Ken,” replied Joshie. And then, Paupau took him in his arms and carried him off to their mat.

Ken-Ken fell asleep to Paupau singing him a lullaby and patting his hair.

“ _Eeeeeh_? It Joshie and Paupau birthday?” JahJah’s eyes were wide, like the cartoon character on his tiny backpack.

Ken-Ken and JahJah were waiting for Tey-Tey to pick them up at the day care. JahJah knew Tey-Tey walks from his big boy school to their center after his classes. Most days, their big brother arrives once everyone in their class goes home because big boy classes end late. It was the same that day, and he and Ken-Ken waited inside their classroom, drawing birthday cakes on scratch paper their teacher gave them.

Ken-Ken nodded at him.

“Joshie say last night Joshie and Paupau talk about big brother things like birthdays.”

“ _Oooooh_ ,” JahJah exclaimed. “Birthday mean cakes and gifts, right?”

“Mm-hmm,” Ken-Ken replied. “Ken-Ken going make cake for Joshie and Paupau.”

He held up his drawing of a small cake with the five of them all around it. Ken-Ken was quite proud of his drawing because he was able to use all the colors in the crayon box. He told JahJah he would show it to his big brothers once they get home and eat at their eating table.

“Uhhhh,” JahJah whined. “JahJah want make cake for Joshie and Paupau, too!”

“JahJah want make cake, too?”

“Mm-hmm…”

“JahJah say ‘please’…”

“Please, Ken-Ken?”

“Okay,” Ken-Ken replied.

JahJah smiled and felt rewarded. Paupau and Joshie always say he should listen to Ken-Ken whenever they weren’t around. He wondered if they would pat him and say he was a good boy for saying ‘please’ to his big brother.

“Ken-Ken and JahJah make cake for Joshie and Paupau birthday!”

JahJah continued on his drawing, too. Their teachers checked them every now and then. When they showed their pictures to their teachers, their teachers praised them and said, ‘Very good!’. Then, their teachers put a star on their drawings, saying it would be a good gift for their big brothers.

“ _Make a cake_?”

Stell was holding his brothers’ tiny hands in his, Justin’s in his left and Ken’s in his right. They were on their way back home from their day care when Ken suddenly tugged at his hand and asked him if they could make a cake.

Sometimes, Stell thinks Ken has the wildest ideas.

“Why do you want to make a cake, Ken-Ken?”

“It Joshie and Paupau birthday!”

“Joshie and Paupau birthday!” echoed Justin.

Stell just laughed. As far as he knew, Sejun’s birthday won’t be until a month, while Josh’s would be in two.

“Is it their birthday today?”

Ken nodded, his eyes half-lidded and making him look sleepy. “Joshie, Paupau talking big brother things about birthday…”

_Oh_ , Stell thought to himself. He had heard half of that conversation the night before. As usual, Josh was trying to make ends meet while Sejun was trying to make him accept help. Stell was grateful to have such a strong eldest ‘brother’, but sometimes Josh was a little stubborn for his own good.

“Do you think a cake would be a good gift for Joshie and Paupau?” he asked the younger ones while they turned around the block.

JahJah nodded. “Joshie and Paupau love cake. Cake make people happy. Ken-Ken say Joshie and Paupau sad and fight.”

Stell smiled. At least their baby brothers were intelligent. More intelligent that the adults, Stell liked to think.

“We make cake so they not fight ‘nymore,” Ken-Ken said slowly. “And Joshie let Ken-Ken help with big brother stuff, too!”

“You think if you give him cake, he’ll let you help?” Stell laughed.

“Ken-Ken show Joshie Ken-Ken help. Ken-Ken want to help.”

“Yeah…” Stell sighed. “Tey-Tey wants to help out, too.”

“JahJah want help, too!”

“Ken-Ken and JahJah and Tey-Tey help Joshie and Paupau! So Ken-Ken, JahJah, and Tey-Tey make cake!”

Stell ran through their existing stock in his head. They had some ingredients which were left over from his Home Economics class, so he could probably whip up something decent… but maybe not a full-sized cake.

“How about we make cupcakes with candles?” he suggested.

“What ka-cakes, Tey-Tey?” JahJah asked him.

“Uhm…” he began, thinking of a way to explain it. “There are Mommy and Daddy cakes, right? Cupcakes are like big brother cakes.”

“Ooooh!”

“Ken-Ken like make big brother ka-cakes…”

“Alright then,” Stell told him. They were already in their apartment building and making their way up the stairs.

He let go of his brothers’ hands and said, “Last one to the door is a crybaby!” And he pretended to run up the stairs.

Ken-Ken and JahJah immediately turned competitive and started to spring past him.

“Tey-Tey crybaby! Ken-Ken not crybaby!”

“JahJan not crybaby!”

And as Stell let himself lose the race, he wished his younger brothers would not grow up too fast.

Sejun waited up for Josh at the gate to their apartment building. His ‘older’ brother by a month was already looking tired and stressed the moment he closed the gate behind him.

Sejun hated it whenever Josh took on their world by himself. It was as if he had a delusion that just because their departed foster parents made him in-charge, it automatically meant he would be the sole provider. Sejun never dared to refute him, but recently Josh had taken on more jobs. He was looking paler and gaunter by the day, and Sejun did not like it.

“Oh, hey. You’re already home,” Josh greeted him with a smirk.

Sejun just nodded and walked in step with Josh.

While they made their way up the stairs, he said, “I… joined a band.”

“What?!” came Josh’s surprised response.

“We’ll have paid gigs every now and then, rehearsals every Monday and Thursday. Pay is good and… I’ve always loved performing, so it’s a win-win.”

“Why didn’t you consult with me on this?” Josh asked him, tone rising.

“Because I knew you wouldn’t agree…!”

“Damn right, I won’t,” he said. “How are you going to manage your studies?”

“I can handle it, Josh. My bandmates told me they’ll give me leeway for schoolwork. And since I like music to begin with, it’s not really considered a job, is it?”

“Sejun, that’s not my point. You have to be practical here—”

“Oh, practical? Like the fact that you’re almost falling to your knees from overwork?”

“Hey, you know that I’m doing this for you guys.”

“I _do_! But you never let us help you—”

“ _Happy birthday to you… Happy bir_ —oh! Is this a bad time?”

Stell’s surprise was apparent on his face as he stood by the door. In front of him, heads reaching just above his knees were Ken and Justin, both carrying cupcakes on a plate. They continued singing in an off-tune melody while trying not to blow the lit candles.

Sejun just blinked as he took in what he was seeing. Beside him, Josh was stunned, too.

“What’s going on?” Josh wheezed.

“It Joshie and Paupau birthday!” came Ken and Justin’s squeals one after another.

The eldest brothers looked to each other and then to Stell.

Stell just shrugged. “Happy birthday, I guess?”

“Is it my birthday?” Josh asked, kneeling to get within Justin’s eye level.

Justin nodded. “Happy birthday, Joshie! JahJah and Ken-Ken make Joshie ka-cakes!”

“You made this?” he said, lifting Justin up in his arms. “For me?”

“But our birthdays aren’t in a month…” Sejun said awkwardly.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” Stell said, raising his hands. “It was Ken-Ken’s idea.”

“Ken?”

“Now, Joshie and Paupau let Ken-Ken help with big brother stuff?”

Sejun smiled and kneeled in front of his younger brother. The genuine excitement and innocence in Ken’s round eyes made him smile. With all the troubles they were having and they will have, Sejun was thankful that he could always look at his brothers’ naivete to remind him not to take life so seriously.

Indeed, answers don’t necessarily come with age.

“Did you make this so Josh would let you help out with the big brother stuff?” Sejun asked, giving Josh a side-eye that the other dismissed.

“Ken-Ken want help Paupau birthday,” he said, as if it explained everything that was happening. “Ken-Ken want help Joshie, too.”

“Oh, Ken,” Sejun said, breathing out. He took the plate with the cupcakes from the young boy’s hand and hugged him to his side. “You know, Ken-Ken. I also think Joshie should let you help with big brother stuff, too.”

“Hey!” Josh complained. “Don’t you dare use them against me.”

“Ken-Ken, I want to work, too. So that we can have more money for more birthdays. But Josh won’t let me. That’s mean, right?”

Stell burst out laughing. Ken just gave Josh a disappointed frown.

“Joshie mean to Paupau again!”

“Joshie, don’t mean to Paupau!” Justin cried in Josh’s arms.

“This isn’t—I’m not— _argh_!”

Sejun gave Josh a pointed look. “We’re family now. Let’s help each other out.”

There was an entire conversation going on with the way Josh and Sejun looked at each other. Josh was still not budging from his decision, and Sejun was immovable, too. But the latter knew Josh would give in once they get a chance to talk… _eventually_.

“Just say ‘yes’, Josh,” Sejun said, chuckling. “It’s my birthday, after all.”

Josh groaned. Sejun couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or frustrated or a mix of both with a little mania.

“It Joshie birthday, too!” Ken quipped beside Sejun.

“That’s right,” Stell said. “So why don’t we talk about the big brother stuff while we’re eating? That way, we could _all_ put in ideas.”

Stell was smiling at them, like he was saying he was old enough to have a say in things, too. Sometimes, Sejun forgets to look at how his younger brothers were growing right before his eyes.

“Oooooh, Tey-Tey, we eat chimkin now-now?” Justin said, squirming excitedly while Josh carried him.

“Chimkin!” Ken said loudly.

Defeated, Josh sighed. “Fine… Let’s go eat your _chimkin_. I’m starving.”

“So does this mean—?”

Josh cut Sejun off. “No. But… I guess we can discuss it. I don’t think it’s a good idea, but we’ll discuss it. For now, let’s eat.”

“This is great!” Stell butt-in. Both Josh and Sejun gave him a questioning look. “I kind of… wanted to work parttime, too.”

At that, Sejun and Josh chorused, “No!”

**//END//**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m… i don’t know. happy birthday, sejun!


	4. SeKen: alak at akala (alcohol and assumptions)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sejun held out his hand and said, “Paabot naman ng alak.”
> 
> Ken must have misjudged him. Perhaps, like Ken, Sejun thought that since everything was falling apart anyway, what did he have to lose?
> 
> Inspired by the song ‘Akala’ by Josue & Pablo as performed by SeKen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been sitting on this prompt since the day seken performed akala at the concert. So glad I finally found the drive to write it hays.
> 
> chapter contains: smoke; alcohol; assumptions; pre-viral days; cursing; taglish dialogues; seken angst; mediocre + unproofed writing

#  **alak at akala (alcohol and assumptions)**

Failure. Ken was not a stranger to it. In fact, failure was the one thing Ken liked to think he was good at. Go to college? Failed it. Get a girlfriend? Failed it. Joined a dance group? Failed it. He thought things were finally looking up when he got to debut as a member of a boy group, but at the rate things are going, it looked like Ken was failing that, too.

His mind had been a battlefield for days. Part of it wanted him to quit—just leave everything and run. It wouldn’t be hard. He could just pack up and go. But the larger, more stubborn part of him wanted to stay. It wanted to keep banging its hard head on the rock until it punched a hole through it. Ken wanted to dream, wanted to keep dreaming; it was just that some days—more days than he liked—it was easier to just close his eyes and sleep.

From the rooftop of their company building, Ken stared at the beautiful night sky. It was May, and the sky was clear from the usual rain clouds that plagued the monsoon months. The stars twinkled playfully, like an angel’s heartbeat in the sky, and Ken wondered what it would take for him to get that far. One drink? Two? He should get more, he thought. Maybe when he the alcohol hand burned his throat and the smoke had filled his lungs he would be able to think clearly enough to let go of his assumptions.

So, Ken drank. Then, he put the cigarette to his lips like a lover’s warmth and let the nicotine course through his system.

“Hoy, Ken,” said a voice behind him.

Ken turned. He thought one of the members would look for him, eventually, but he always assumed it would be Justin. So, when he found their Pinuno standing at the top of the staircase that led to the rooftop, Ken could only stare.

He and Sejun rarely ever met eye to eye. The leader had an intense attitude. Sure, he was cold enough to freeze a stranger’s warm welcome, but he worked hard, and he pushed people around him harder. Ken never knew how to handle people like that.

Sejun’s eyes travelled from the empty and unopened beer bottles on the floor and the cigarette Ken pinched between his fingers. Then, he shifted his blank gaze to Ken’s face, as if trying to assess the situation through his beetle-black eyes. As an idol group, SB19 wasn’t allowed to have vices. Alcohol and cigarettes were practically banned from their dorm room. But after that day he’s had— _a failed performance again. When will it ever end_?—Ken needed a fucking break.

The leader kept staring at him, expression unreadable. Ken almost expected Sejun would tell him off then kick him out of their failure of a group, but when Sejun approached and sat beside him, Ken could not hide his surprise.

Sejun held out his hand and said, “Paabot naman ng alak.”

_Well, shit_. So, the top student could break a few rules, too.

Ken must have misjudged him. Perhaps, like Ken, Sejun thought that since everything was falling apart anyway, what did he have to lose?

The younger man grabbed one bottle by the neck and handed it to his companion. Sejun regarded the liquor in his hand before taking the bottle opener, opening his drink, then gulping half of the contents down in two large gulps.

“You been up here a while?” Sejun asked.

“‘Bout a few hours. What about you? ‘Diba madami kang dapat ginagawa ngayon?”

A sneer. “Takas muna ako sa realidad, dre.” Another gulp of beer. “‘Kaw? Why are you here all alone on a night like this?”

“Gusto ko lang malasing,” Ken shrugged. “Andaming nangyayari, ‘di ko alam pa’no isipin lahat nang sabay-sabay.”

Sejun nodded, understanding. A pensive look flashed across his eyes before he spoke again.

“At andami nilang sinasabi… Kala mo alam nila lahat.”

“Nangarap lang naman tayo. Ba’t tayo pa yung mali? Ba’t tayo pa yung katatawanan?”

Ken nodded, too. He knew what Sejun meant. They had years of hearing from nay-sayers all the reasons why they would not succeed as a group.

_Kesyo pa-KPop daw. Kesyo ‘di naman kami gwapo. Kesyo wala kaming backer. ‘Tangina ninyong lahat._ Ken wanted to shout it out to the sky and curse the stars in the blackness of the universe.

“ _Putangina ninyong lahat, mga gago_!” came a scream.

But it was not from Ken.

_Juskopo, yung bibig_!

Laughter rolled from Ken’s chest and out his mouth. He laughed boisterously, then let it die down with a large swig of beer. It was nice to feel the cool in his mouth. He would have said something, but Sejun beat him to it.

“Gusto ko lang naman maging ako, dre?” he ranted after finishing the rest of his first beer bottle. “I just want to be myself. Is it so hard to let me be? Is it so hard to let me dream? _Putangina_.”

“Ganyan talaga ang buhay, dre… Sabi pa nila, life is a boat. Row it gently down the stream daw.”

“Eh, ba’t sila nakikisakay sa boat ko?” By then, Sejun was struggling opening his second beer bottle. “ _Juskopo_! I just want to work and do my passion without anyone’s judgment. _Fuck that_!”

“You’re drunk.”

“No, I’m ranting.”

“While drunk.”

“ _Fuck this_.” The bottle cap popped off with a mighty fizzle.

Ken laughed again, puffed a smoke, and drank his beer.

“Ganyan lang siguro talaga, dre. Mahilig sila manghila pababa. Sakyan mo lang. Magsasawa rin sila.”

Sejun responded with a sneer, and before Ken could blink, he had already downed the rest of his beer.

_Damn, the man could drink_.

The bottle in Sejun’s hand was waved in front of his face. Ken watched as the man regarded its emptiness with sincerity. There were a million thoughts running through the Pinuno’s head, Ken knew. He wanted both to peek into that beautiful brain and run away from the genius of their leader.

Sejun sighed and scowled at his empty beer bottle. “I thought… that if I had alcohol, makakalimutan ko lahat. I guess I assumed wrong.”

Ken chuckled. He knew. Still, it didn’t stop him from drinking the rest of his beer until the bottle was as empty as his present thoughts.

“You don’t really forget,” he replied. “You just distract yourself. And then, you remember everything all over again.”

“This sucks. I can’t wait for the time when we get our break.” It was difficult to tell whether it was hope or desperation in Sejun’s voice.

“‘Di sa ngayon,” Ken told him. “Definitely not today.”

“Bukas kaya?” Sejun asked with hysteria in his voice.

“Baka bukas.”

“What if hindi bukas?”

“Darating rin yung panahon… _Siguro_.”

“‘Tanginang ‘soon’ naman ‘yan,” Sejun complained.

Ken could not help but laugh. But without a proper retort, he just opened two more bottles and handed one to Sejun.

“I-shot mo lang muna ‘yan.”

Sejun nodded, smirking. He took the bottle that was offered to him and relaxed on the floor next to Ken. The stars above them continued to twinkle as they drank. None of their problems were solved, but at least, for the moment, they could drown their hopes, dreams, and assumptions with the help of alcohol and a song already lingering in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we need more ot5 fics, so here's my contribution.

**Author's Note:**

> i need more OT5/brotherhood prompt ideasssss. drop me a comment here or on twt: @r4m3nlvr_19


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